Nabila binti Sheikh Ismail

IF this blog doesn't look or feel or sound like a blog, I apologize. My true intention was never a blog but a backlog. So... don't judge me. Thanks.

Now. This is another thing that I haven't yet regretted but I get the feeling that I will in the near future. Yes I know it's a cliche but this one is like a whole new level of stupid cliche. There is this girl. I didn't even plan on liking her. I was just gonna use her as a teaching aid and stuff. There was this one time I even said that I treat her like a big sister coz she was very mature and collected and stuff. I guess things just get out of hand when she starts to message me and all that. I started to get all fidgety and I even got angry at her. I mean like, "I'm mad at u more than them coz I like U" kinda angry. I even felt that 'guilt' feeling, that sharp pain when she noticed I was mad at her. I even fessed and told her everything a while later as I really didn't want her to worry about it(eventhough she didn't even care in the first place). Its just that... its my fault for feeling more than I should but... really... she was just so nice. I could even compare her nagginess with my mother.

"If she can act like a second mother to you, then she's good enough" - XIII Principles

She fits the bill just nice. That is also the biggest problem. She's too good for me. Makes me feel... unworthy and stuff. Ya know. That kind of feeling. Yeah. I even asked Rowern to help me with this girl. I NEVER ask for other guys to solve my girl problems. I solve them myself. But this one... I wanted to try every single method just to at least make her say, "Your new shirt is nice ^_^. So tidy" That would make me smile for weeks. But she never even say that. She is very careful. Very general. I know. The way she speaks and addresses people... is general. Like how she addresses me. I am gonna regret letting her go. Before even trying. Because I know. It is just not gonna work out. :') Sorry for liking you, Ila-chan.

Rowern Einzbern

I did say I was gonna backlog and see what I would be regretful about. So this is the most recent one. I know there was a void. I just... I can't meddle with what this friend of mine feels. I can't. He has to sort it out himself. But after reading his blog, I kinda wanted to hit myself in the face with a baseball bat and then hit him in the face with a baseball bat. Rowern was always the kind of guy who depends on objectiveness and all. To think that his problem was that he clinged onto a subjective thing like that proves that he himself has a little of that "romanticism" that we always argued about. I am going to ask him myself tomorrow on what he meant by "I want to let go" in one of his posts. I want to know if that thing is still troubling him. If he was having the same problem as I am.

Rowern is a very good friend of mine(at least I think of him like that. I wouldn't know what he thinks of me). He was one of the guys in college who knew where to poke to get this stubborn asshole to move and at least do something to change his own fate. Eventhough sometimes he fails, his victories cover up all those failures and I am very grateful that this guy is there when I need em. The problem with this guy is that he has barriers. Barriers too strong that I can't do anything about it and just wait till he breaks them off. Now that he did, I feel guilty. Guilty as hell for being too drowned in my own problems to notice his.

"You have a void there. Somewhere around there. I don't know what but there is a void that I can't figure out" - I said when he asked me what I saw in him.

I will hit you. As hard as I can. U fucking asshole Einzbern.

Regrets

Yeah well... starting to write by regretting things might not be a good start but this would really show I am one of the pessimistic kinds of people who often look at the darker shade of life.

"Grieve. Weep. But never regret" - Alexander The Great

Yeah well, he says that but I am sure deep in his heart he regretted a little bit about his life too, if not many. Even one of my principles actually follows what this big guy says. Its just that... sometimes we have to regret. So that we can remind ourselves to become more. So we won't face that regret again in the future. So I'm writing this backlog journal to remind myself of the things that I can regret in the past. In the future as well, if fate wills it.